dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
