I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
