I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
