I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
