I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
