I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
