my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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