Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
