I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
