I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
