i permit you to call me
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
