Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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