I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
