i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
