I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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