It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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