I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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