When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
