why didn't you poke me back
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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