I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
