Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
