I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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