she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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