Just took my morning after pill in the library
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
