Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
