My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
