FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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