Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
