Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The beers last night were like the tears from god
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
