And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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