im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
