why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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