Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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