I seem to have left my pride at pride
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
