Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
