Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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