i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
