I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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