I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
