If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
