: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
