When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
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