Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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