good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up under a house in Key West
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
