Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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