I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
