I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
