Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
