i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
