i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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