Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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