Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
