don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
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