I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
